Talking to kids about bodies, puberty, consent and sex doesn’t have to mean one mortifying kitchen-table chat. SHINE SA experts explain how to keep these conversations honest, calm and age-appropriate.
“Where do babies come from?” “Why has Josh’s mum got a big belly?” “What’s a condom?”
If your kid hasn’t hit you with one of these yet, they will – probably in the supermarket queue, and probably loudly.
If your instinct is to freeze, fob them off, or mumble something about a stork, you’re not alone. Most parents want to do better than the sex ed they grew up with – patchy, awkward, big on risk and reproduction, light on everything else – but have no idea where to start.
The good news: your kid wants to talk to you about this stuff. The bad news: a lot of parents put it off.
Mind the gap
SHINE SA surveys around 5000 South Australian secondary students each year about relationships and sexual health education. Nearly 70 per cent say a parent or carer is who they’d go to with questions about relationships and sexual health. Only about a quarter actually do.
“Our data shows a clear gap,” says SHINE SA CEO Holley Skene. “We hear consistently that it feels awkward or hard to start – for both young people and parents. What the research tells us is that when parents feel more informed and confident, those conversations are much more likely to happen. That’s where the real opportunity sits.”
Kids aren’t born awkward about this
SHINE SA curriculum lead Kirsty Jeffery has spent years training teachers to deliver relationships and sexuality education in South Australian schools. She’s also raising four young people of her own.
Her core message for parents is that shame isn’t built in. It’s taught.
“None of these little tiny humans come with any shame attached to bodies or reproduction,” Kirsty says. “That is only learned from the people and the responses they experience.”
Children and young people ask questions because their brains are doing exactly what they’re meant to be doing.
Our job as parents isn’t to dodge the question – it’s to answer it honestly, at a level they can understand, without making them feel weird for asking.
“How wonderful would it be if, from the get-go, we just removed shame as much as we were able?” says Kirsty. “If we think about the potential repercussions of holding so much shame around your body, or your desire for sex when you’re 17 or 27 – let’s just not do that.”
Silence isn’t neutral. People still turn up to SHINE SA training as adults and describe getting their first period with no idea what was happening to them. That’s a scary reality still happening to some kids in SA.
The same logic applies to relationships, attraction, consent, all of it: kids and young people are going to experience these things whether you’ve talked about them or not. The question is whether they meet these moments with information or without it.
And when young people need more support than a conversation at home can provide, knowing where to find trusted health services matters too.
You only need to be one second ahead
The biggest thing stopping parents, Kirsty says, is the fear of getting it wrong. Of saying too much. Of putting ideas in their kid’s head. Of somehow scarring them.
“Parents are full of worry, aren’t they? Full of worry.”
She says talking about sex with your kids isn’t different from any other part of parenting. You don’t need a degree in human development. You don’t need to know everything. You just need to be ready for what’s coming next.
“You only have to be one second ahead. Figure out what’s coming next and be like, ‘Hey, I heard this thing – is that true? Does that happen?’“
The worry about “putting ideas in their heads” is the one she hears most. It also has the least evidence behind it.
Telling a four-year-old the proper name for a body part doesn’t sexualise them. Explaining where babies come from doesn’t make them want to have one.
What it does is build the kind of relationship where, when something actually does happen – a weird interaction, a confusing feeling, a question they’re embarrassed about – they come to you instead of Google, ChatGPT or a (potentially misinformed) friend.
What to say – and when
There’s no single script, but there are some starting points for each stage.
Toddlers and preschool age: Use the correct names for body parts. Answer the question they actually asked, not the one you’re worried they’re going to ask next. If a three-year-old wants to know why their friend’s mum has a big belly, “there’s a baby growing in there” is a complete answer. If they want more, they’ll ask.
Primary school: Get in before puberty does. Kids whose bodies start changing without warning are scared kids. Their bodies are about to do things, and they deserve to know what and why. Same goes for periods, erections, hair in new places and being exposed to porn online. Better to have talked about it before it happens than to be playing catch-up after.
Tweens and teens: This is where a lot of parents give up because their kid has stopped wanting you to talk to them. That’s developmentally normal. It also doesn’t mean you stop – it means you change tactics. Send them a link they can read on their own. Mention things in the car, where eye contact isn’t required. Make it clear the door is open without forcing them through it.
“They might not want to talk to you,” Kirsty says. “That’s fine. They don’t have to. But giving them a few reputable websites you’ve vetted means they’ve got somewhere to land that isn’t just whatever pops up first.”
Where to get help
Parents don’t have to figure this out alone. Here are a few places to start:
- The SHINE SA website has factsheets on everything from puberty and consent to STIs and contraception, plus a free Quick Guide to the Menstrual Cycle & Periods.
- The SHINE SA library at Woodville is free to join and stocks books for parents on everything from bodies and boundaries through to relationships, consent, identity and reproduction.
- This Emerging Minds Families podcast episode features Kirsty with practical tips for parents – including how to handle the “where do babies come from?” moment at every age, and there’s also an episode covering consent.
- Parenting SA has factsheets on talking to kids and young people about sex and relationships, and Talk Soon Talk Often is a free WA Health guide that breaks down what to say at every age.
Working together
Around 90 per cent of Australian parents support relationships and sexual health education being taught in schools, according to a 2023 national survey.
But school isn’t a substitute for the conversation at home, Holley says. And it’s not meant to be.
“This isn’t an either-or. Schools and parents play complementary roles,” she says. “Schools can provide structured, evidence-based learning, and parents can provide support and ongoing conversations about values, relationships and real life. The most effective approach is when schools, families and communities are working together.”
In other words: be the person your kid can ask anything, knowing they’ll get an honest answer. This is the best way to prevent harm, provide safety and support your child to grow up knowing what’s happening to their bodies, and how to stay healthy and safe.
As Kirsty explains: “It’s about building a safe enough relationship that when things are weird or tricky, they’ve got somewhere to go”.
Find factsheets, resources and support at the SHINE SA website.
